I believe that the word resilience can never be fully measured, captured, or domesticated.
We all experience resilience differently.
For some, the word evokes admiration and gratitude. For others—particularly those who are suffering or witnessing the suffering of someone they love—being told to “be resilient” can feel oppressive, judgmental, and devoid of empathy. In such moments, resilience can sound less like encouragement and more like a demand.
Yet to others, inspired by stories of people who have overcome extraordinary adversity, resilience carries profound meaning.
When I ask people what resilience means to them, many speak of overcoming adversity or bouncing back. And they are not wrong.
But for me, resilience means something more.
Beyond survival
Triumphing against all odds is only one aspect of resilience. I experience resilience not merely as overcoming adversity or returning to a previous state, but as something deeply transformative.
I think of Nelson Mandela, who refused to allow 27 years of imprisonment on Robben Island to define him. His legacy is not simply one of survival; it is a story of transformation that pursued reconciliation rather than revenge.
I also think of President Barack Obama, one of the most consequential leaders of our time. His resilience has been transformative and hope-giving. Throughout his life, he has embodied what Michelle Obama described as his “stubborn optimism and courage,” even when his identity, beliefs, and love for his country were questioned and disparaged.
A Seven-Stage Understanding of Resilience
From observing individuals whom I recognise as resilient and lived experience, I have come to believe that resilience unfolds through seven stages:
1. Crisis
A crisis represents a rupture or disruption of normality in a person’s life.
2. Suffering
Pain arises from the imbalance created by internal or external forces.
3. Reflection
Questioning and meaning-making are essential to understanding purpose and significance in life.
4. Resourcing
Drawing upon internal strengths and external support to navigate adversity.
5. Triumphing
Choosing hope and embracing opportunities for growth despite pain.
6. Transformation
Refusing to allow suffering to embitter us and instead allowing it to deepen our humanity.
7. Hope-Giving
Recognising that suffering does not have the final word, and that healing and growth can become a source of hope for others.
The Nature of Resilience
Resilience, then, is not merely about survival, nor is it simply about bouncing back.
True resilience is transformative. It gives rise to love, hope, and faith.
– Dr Dom @ Counselling with Dom.
Acknowledgement: AI was used for editorial assistance.